The search continues

As a few more friends receive calls and embark on their journey into pastoral ministry, an update on my process. First, congratulations to those who are proceeding forward. To Paul who will be just outside of Nashville, to Tim who it looks like will be in OKC and to those already called somewhere, blessings to each of you.

As for me I have had phone interviews with the APNC's of Columbia, SC and Neenah, WI. Both of these positions are associate for Christian Education. I talked to Brenham, TX, but there are happenings in the life of that congregation that has slowed their process. I have sent my PIF and a sermon DVD to 2nd Nashville. Heard back from them today that they would like to set up an interview in the next couple weeks about their associate position. I have also just sent my PIF to Boise, ID. It is a solo pastorate that looks absolutely cool.

I will just have to wait and see what God has in store for me.

Just finished Harry Potter

I just finished Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. Good book. Ties things up nicely. A couple of things I didn't see coming. Some interesting theological points. Made me think of Julie and any number of people who argued with her junior year.
Okay, i will say no more.

It's Saturday, July 21, 2007 and Death STILL SUCKS!!

I am not feeling quite so unbalanced. I spent a 12 hour day at the hospital. Today I was the chaplain. I ended up with 10 crisis calls and of those 4 deaths. Death is inevitable for everyone, but it still hurts like hell and well...sucks. What clicked for me today and yesterday (worked 2 deaths yesterday that I felt like I was talking to myself) is that no matter how much I believe the Heidleberg Catechism or Romans 8, death is still painful.

The sense of loss and grief speaks to our humanity. The realization that we are finite, even when we trust in the promise of eternal life. Henry Van Dyck wrote about death as a ship. As the ship sails from the shore and those on this side of death watch until the sail dips below the horizon, we morn the loss of a loved one. But on the other shore, there is Christ, standing with arms open saying "There she is!!"

Once again, this is about finding the tension between what seems to me initially as opposites.

But no matter...
DEATH STILL SUCKS!!

Being unbalanced

In my struggle with thanatology....death...I decided to bring it up in group supervision in CPE today. My supervisor got me out of my head and pushed me to talk about walk I feel about death. First, I hate talking about feelings. Second I hate talking about feelings about death. Fun huh? The image that started was feeling isolated, cut off, then I got to feeling like I was off balance.

We talked about a triangle on its point, but ended at feeling like I was standing on one leg waiting for the other to be kicked out from under me. I brought this image up in IPR (for you non CPE folk it is a group discussion time). I talked about feeling off balance all summer. Not only did I leave seminary where I have been for 3 years, but I moved home. And I have been somewhat transient every few weeks. On top of that, CPE is a disconcerting process that as Greg brought up, is like the first semester of theology. You kind of get your beliefs shaken and you have to figure out what is important and how things fit. On top of this is the anxiety of seeking a call and not knowing where the next step takes me.

I don't like feeling out of control and out of balance. I don't like feeling like I am going to get kicked down. But if I do get kicked down, it is a matter of getting up, dusting myself off and going again. I also need to remember that I am surrounded by lots of friends and family who are willing to help me in whatever situation I may find myself.

A while left of being unbalanced. I guess I better get used to it.

the voices...stop the voices

I was given the privilege of the pulpit at my home church this morning. My pastor had asked me to preach my senior sermon. So I changed the end and tweaked some of the wording that I had gone over with Kristin Saldine. Then this morning when I climbed into the pulpit, the voices in my head kicked in. Comments made by Jennifer and Kristin about my preaching which invaded while I was preaching. Crazy!

CPE question 3

Ahhhh, week 6. Over half done. The next question of the summer is what is my understanding of thanatology? I don't know as I can clearly define my pastoral understanding of death. I have not yet made sense of all of it yet. There are several scriptural references that run in my head as well as how death is linked to life and to hope. This one may take a while.

The Next CPE question to ponder

Last week was about the question "What is your image of God?" This week, the question is "What is your biblical model for being a pastor?"

I am one of the disciples. Working hard, following Jesus, but not yet understanding what lies ahead. I am exploring the life of Peter. One who followed from the beginning, who jumps in quickly often not understanding why or what he is doing. He denies Christ, denies who he is called to be. Once reconciled to Christ however (John 21), Peter becomes one of the great leaders of the church. We see a totally different Peter in the Book of Acts than we do in the gospels.

Who is your biblical model?

What's Your Image of God?

This was a question posed to me by my CPE supervisor. She challenged me to look beyond the typical answers that I gave. She gave me "Maestro" or "quartet leader." The quartet leader image has caught my attention. Just as a quartet needs a leader, there is also an element of every one being vital to the functioning of the quartet.

Where I went with it is I become the 4th member of the quartet, the members of the Trinity being the other 3. Just as the Trinity can be thought of as engaging in a divine dance, why not in musical terms. By being brought into the quartet, I, in my totally depraved humanity, am brought into the life of the Godhead and I have agency. My part is important to the whole. In this it does not take away from the importance of any of the other 3 parts at the same time. I am still playing with this image, but I challenge everyone to take a look at their image of God.

Peace

Dealing with Death

I ended up on a crisis call today and worked a death at the hospital. It is strange how someone can be alive one second and dead the next. Reminded me of a M*A*S*H episode where Major Hoolihan remarks how it never ceases to amaze her that you are alive one minute and dead the next, no fanfare or anything. Just gone.

There are so many things that happen in the hospital after a death, that was more where I was uncomfortable than with the family although, I did have to confront my theological view of death as well as heaven and hell. One of the family members asked if I thought their mother went to heaven even if she didn't believe. As I have continued to ponder this, I end up looking to the invisible church and the fact that we don't know who is elect and who is not. I have to believe that God's love is bigger than I can even fathom and I have to hold hope that God leaves the 99 and looks for the 1, whether we want to be found or not.

Lots to process.
Peace

A few weeks in...

CPE is a tiring thing. I have found it emotionally and spiritually draining. It will be good for me to learn to set up emotional boundaries. I am struggling in part because this is new and I am still trying to learn the basics. I have much to learn, but it will not make for an easy summer.

CPE Day 2

Today was a better day. We had a more specific orientation to what we are doing as well as a chance to tour the hospital with one of the staff chaplains and a tour of pre-op with another chaplain. After lunch, they printed off the rooms of people who needed initial visits (Baptist has chaplains try and visit everyone) and we were each given part of the lists and off we went. The first few cold calls I did weren't very good, I was way nervous and anxious. The visits got better as I did more of them. That is more what I will be doing for the summer.

CPE has begun

Today I started my 11 weeks as an intern hospital chaplain at Baptist Integris in Oklahoma City. CPE (Clinical Pastoral Education) is an intense 11 week time period in hospital and crisis ministry. We start door to door cold visits tomorrow (day 2) and continue with orientation and beginning to work on learning goals for the summer. This will be a time of growth and introspection as I discover more about who I am and continue to live into who I am as a pastor.

Growth is often a painful process and I became aware that I have once again entered the wilderness. It'll will be a bumpy ride.

I'm going to have to change the name of my blog...

Now that I am a seminary graduate, I am going to have to come up with a new blog name. Baccalaureate was fun since I got to play trombone alongside my dad. It was special for him too. Graduation day there are several monetary awards that are given out during the proceedings, but alas, I did not receive one. I did however receive a gift from 3 of the professors. They decided that for all of the "stuff" that I did around the seminary and was involved in that I deserved the "MVP" award. So I received a hat with MVP on it, Dr. Suess's "Oh the Place you'll go" along with a Dr. Suess type poem in the front of it, Godiva chocolate, Mozart CD's, Indigo Girls CD, pen, magnet, bookmark, all in a beautiful bowl. To get a gift like that from 3 professors who I respect very much means more than any monetary award. Very cool.

I am back in Oklahoma with a few days off before starting a clinical rotation as a hospital chaplain (CPE). It will be an interesting summer living at home. It was really hard to leave Austin, and especially to leave all the people who have become my family over the last 3 years. So I am home at least until August, and still in the process of searching for a call. I have had some conversations with a couple of churches and now we play the waiting game.

Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doot, doo, doo, doo, doo,doo

That is the Jeopardy theme incase you didn't recognize it!

It's almost official

Picked up my graduation regalia this morning. All that is left is to be approved by the faculty.
It is weird to think that I am about to graduate. I'm not sure where the time went.
Exciting and terrifying all at the same time.

Now to keep packing.

Bright Sunday Sermon - "Keeping Up Appearances"

This is the sermon that I preached yesterday at Westminster Presbyterian in Austin, TX. This is the congregation where I have been interning all school year. I have learned a lot working with this congregation and they have helped me to grow.

Here we are the week after Easter. Back to normal, no brass filling the sanctuary, the lilies are gone. We celebrate Christ being risen from the dead, but wasn’t that last week? So now we can go back to normal. Or can we? It is easy to think of Easter as a single day, after all anything Easter related is up to 75% off at most stores now, but Easter is bigger than that. We have entered Eastertide, the “Great Fifty Days” as we move toward Pentecost. This is a season of the church year for continued celebration and to explore what it means for us to live as resurrection people. The gospel of John provides the experiences of several Bible figures who we have come to know well, Mary, the disciples, and Thomas.

We start on that first Easter day. Three days removed from the crucifixion of Jesus. Mary, the disciples, and Thomas are all struggling with grief, fear, and doubt. We enter the story with Mary. She has gone to the tomb and finds the stone rolled away. Scared, she runs back to find Peter, who with the beloved disciple, return to the tomb with her. They find the tomb empty. Then the men leave. They leave Mary, standing in front of the empty tomb. They leave Mary standing at the empty tomb weeping.

The stress of the last 8 days overwhelms her. A week ago she was with the crowd as they entered Jerusalem shouting “Hosanna.” Little did she know that by the end of the week she would see Jesus arrested and crucified. A wave of grief sweeps over her. This man was her teacher, her Lord. She had followed him for many months. A few days ago she had lavished pure nard on his feet and wiped it away with her hair. She could still smell the scent in her hair. All she wanted to do now was care for his body. Finding the tomb empty, she is hit by a flood of emotion. She is drained physically, spiritually, and emotionally. She is tired. She is scared. It feels like a nightmare, but she can’t wake up. All she can do is cry.

She peers into the empty tomb to see two angels in white who ask “Woman, why are you weeping?” Through her tears she stammers that she is looking for Jesus. She can no longer bear to look into the tomb. She turns, her head down, still sobbing. She notices someone standing there. He repeats the question of the angels “Woman, why are you weeping? Whom are you looking for?” She does not recognize the man. She is consumed with her grief and exhaustion. She responds to him thinking he is the gardener.

While Mary is weeping at the tomb, the disciples are hidden away behind locked doors.
They like Mary are trying to process everything that has happened in the last few days. They are afraid of being persecuted if they are identified a followers of Jesus. Their teacher is gone, what are they to do now? They sit in silence; they are spent. They are afraid. Fear permeates the room, it has paralyzed them. Then Jesus appears to them. He stands in their midst, they can’t believe their eyes. Jesus speaks, “Peace be with you,” but they have yet to recognize their Lord.

Later in the day we meet Thomas. He was not with the others but has heard their story.
He is skeptical of what they have told him. Thomas looks at them as if to say, “Yeah right, whatever!” But he said to them, “Unless I see the mark of the nails in his hands, and put my finger in the mark of the nails and my hand in his side, I will not believe.” Thomas is not one to be easily swayed. He needs proof.

When Mary, the disciples, and Thomas first meet the Risen Christ, none of them recognize him. Mary is consumed by her grief. The disciples are paralyzed with their fear. Thomas is filled with doubt. They cannot recognize Jesus on their own, they need Jesus to meet them where they are. Christ comes to each in a different way, but it is exactly what they each need in order to have faith.

For Mary, Jesus calls her by name. This is the moment when Mary encounters the Risen Christ. She hears her name, “Mary.” It is the voice that speaks it. She has heard this voice call her name so many times before. Soft and tender. Full of compassion and love. His voice finds its way through the tears, through the fatigue. It reaches the very core of her being and draws her back. Like a parent’s voice that breaks through the screams of a child’s nightmare drawing them out of their fear, finds its way through the tears. In calling her name, Jesus breaks through her nightmare of the last few days and she recognizes him. Because Jesus has met her and drawn her out of her grief, her spirits are lifted and she is able to set off to tell the others.

For the disciples hidden in fear, Jesus greets them twice with the words, “Peace be with you.” The second time he adds, “As the Father has sent me, so I send you.” Then Jesus breathes on them and tells them to receive the Holy Spirit. Just as God breathed life into Adam in Genesis, Jesus breathes new life into the disciples. The peace of Christ dispels their fear. Jesus sends them out into the world to offer the forgiveness of sins to the world. They are excited because they have just met the risen Christ. It is in their excitement, not fear that they talk to Thomas about their experience.

Thomas is doubtful of the story and wants physical proof. The next week the disciples are again meeting, but this time the doors aren’t locked, just shut, and Jesus comes and stands among them. He greets them with Peace again. Turning to Thomas, Jesus is relaxed and at ease.

He is not angry with Thomas, Thomas is just being Thomas. Jesus smiles, he knows Thomas well. Because he knows Thomas and he loves Thomas, Jesus says “Put your finger here and see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it in my side. Do not doubt but believe.” We don’t know if Thomas touches him or not. But we do know Thomas’ response. “My Lord and My God!” Thomas is a believer.

In these stories, all of them believe in the end, when they have met the Risen Christ. Jesus meets Mary in her grief by calling her name; meets the disciples with the gift of peace and the Holy Spirit; meets Thomas with a physical presence. Jesus meets them where they are. He meets them as they have need. But these aren’t the only people who have met the Risen Christ.
Christ meets us where we are and gives us what we need for faith. The author of the gospel of John states that these stories are written down that others might believe. Scripture is one way that we are enabled to encounter Jesus. When we read about Mary, the disciples and Thomas, we can see ourselves in their stories as well. We have all known sorrow, fear, and doubt. Scripture is a reminder to us that Jesus meets us too.

While teaching the 2nd and 3rd graders a few weeks ago, we were walking through the timeline from Palm Sunday through the appearance stories. I asked the children as we read the Thomas story, if they would have believed the disciples even when Thomas didn’t. One of the girls said “Yes, but we know the story!” Her response struck me. She is right. We do know the story. We have been given Scripture that we might experience Christ that we might believe in the resurrection.

However Scripture is not the only way the appearance of Christ continues. Just as the disciples were sent we are sent too. We as fellow believers, as the church, are called to keep up the appearance of the risen Christ. We are called to reach out to people by name. People hurt. They grieve. We as church are called to speak their name. To remind them that they are beloved children of God. We do this every time we speak names of people we love and care about in intercessory prayer. We do this when we send cards and notes or call those who cannot be physically present with us. When we sit with someone in the hospital. It is amazing what being called by name can do. When we call them by name, they are remembered into the body of Christ. We keep up the appearance of our resurrected Savior.

We as a church are also called to bring the peace of Christ. In the midst of community, just as the disciples were gathered in community, we pass the “peace of Christ.” Think about the words of the liturgy. The peace of Christ be with you. And also with you. As we have been reconciled to God through our confession of sin and reminded of our forgiveness in Christ and assured of our pardon, we then share the peace that Christ brought to the disciples to one another. We are gathered together, reunited as the body of Christ. We keep up the appearance of our resurrected Savior.

We all have times of doubt; we have moments when we are Thomas. We need a physical presence. We need to be met individually. Seeing another who has struggled with faith, yet we can see the depth of their conviction. Watching one another live out their faith. We are the physical presence when we reach out to others in mission. I thought about this as storms rolled through Friday night. Northern Texas was hit hard, we are the physical presence with one anther in the midst of situations like the storm Friday night. We are physical proof to one another when we cry together, laugh with one another, and celebrate as the family of God. We are strengthened by the faith of others, we see Christ shining through them. They embody Christ for us. We keep up the appearance of our resurrected Savior.

These stories are given to us that we might have faith, that we would believe Jesus to be the Son of God and that we may have life in his name. We read the stories of the first Easter day and the week that followed, Jesus has met his followers in a variety of ways. He has given them what they need for them to believe. Christ still meets us today. Meets us through Scripture and through others that we too will have faith. As the Risen Christ lives within us, may we, the beloved children of God, be gathered as the body of Christ in our worship, so that as we go forth into the world we can embody the Risen Christ and keep up the appearance of our Risen Savior. Christ is risen. He is risen indeed! Alleluia!

Easter Peeps

Easter peeps, I think are perhaps the most disgusting thing ever created! Found out a friend of mine likes them. Also found out that you can do peep jousting in the microwave. Have found a zillion peep links on the internet, some of which are quite funny. So being a senior and needing a creative outlet, I have begun working on a movie/documentary about peeps. Well, more of a creative diversion. I have discovered that peep jokes are endless.

They like to play "hide and go peep"

They like the village peeple. One of their favorite songs is "Peeple."
If you were to eat a purple one, you would be a purple peeple eater.
They just keep getting worse.

Being me is enough

Senioritis has struck as the end of my seminary journey draws near. My PIF (pastor information form...aka resume) was released by my presbytery and is now out in the wild. This means I can begin sending my PIF to churches I am interested in and the national office will begin matching me with prospective churches and the call process begins.

It is interesting to read what churches write about themselves and about what they are looking for in the pastor they seek to call. A deep and abiding love of Christ (probably a good thing for a pastor), communication skills, and a sense of humor. These seem to be pretty common, but what is striking about so many of the positions is it seems that churches are looking for someone to be everything to everybody.

In recent weeks I have had the revelation that being me is enough. My problem is I don't think I believe that all the time. Being me is all I can do. I need to remember this as I proceed into ministry. I can only be me, and being me is enough. I am the only me there is. I think this has been a cause of my stress lately.

I need to listen to the folks at WPC more. I have only been there since August and several have said they are sad to see me go in a month or so. It meant a lot to have a couple youth moms comment that they wished I could stay another year and one said her son really liked me. Another parent commented Sunday that her 8th grader had said she liked that I had enthusiasm and she could tell I really believed what I was saying. It has meant a great deal to have feedback from the congregation that includes comments that some church will be blessed to get me. Others believe it about me...now why don't I believe it?

Palm Sunday

Today we remember the triumphal entry of Jesus into Jerusalem. The crowds shouting "Hosanna!" When the Pharisees tell Jesus to quiet the crowds he states that the stones themselves would shout. This is the same crowd who later this week will shout "Crucify Him!"

Great Cartoon

I love the site Reverend Fun. This was up a couple days ago. My question is what is the perfect sermon?

Playing in the Rain

Today was SMURF-TACULAR!!!! Yep, I am bringing smurf language back, just because. It was a rainy day in Austin, TX and I love rainy days! Playing in puddles is a favorite past-time. So after class, it was back to the room to change clothes and shoes and back out into the rain to play in the rain.

One of my good friends came out and played in the puddles too. We were soggy. Several of our classmates thought we were really crazy. Sherry snapped the picture from her dorm room. My advice to everyone is "don't get too old to play."
My other piece of advice is watch out who is around you when you splash in puddles, so you don't get someone wet who didn't want to play. Although one time I did get a couple people a little wet, but they were good sports and didn't get mad at me.