In my struggle with thanatology....death...I decided to bring it up in group supervision in CPE today. My supervisor got me out of my head and pushed me to talk about walk I feel about death. First, I hate talking about feelings. Second I hate talking about feelings about death. Fun huh? The image that started was feeling isolated, cut off, then I got to feeling like I was off balance.
We talked about a triangle on its point, but ended at feeling like I was standing on one leg waiting for the other to be kicked out from under me. I brought this image up in IPR (for you non CPE folk it is a group discussion time). I talked about feeling off balance all summer. Not only did I leave seminary where I have been for 3 years, but I moved home. And I have been somewhat transient every few weeks. On top of that, CPE is a disconcerting process that as Greg brought up, is like the first semester of theology. You kind of get your beliefs shaken and you have to figure out what is important and how things fit. On top of this is the anxiety of seeking a call and not knowing where the next step takes me.
I don't like feeling out of control and out of balance. I don't like feeling like I am going to get kicked down. But if I do get kicked down, it is a matter of getting up, dusting myself off and going again. I also need to remember that I am surrounded by lots of friends and family who are willing to help me in whatever situation I may find myself.
A while left of being unbalanced. I guess I better get used to it.
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6 comments:
i have no doubt that you will get up and dust yourself off...people always fear the fall...they never expect that getting up is the most exhilirating feeling...even encouraging...
I think anyone would feel unbalanced in the major type of transition you're in. And I think Monica is right too. You're going to get up, and it will be exhilerating. And you're getting up might even initiate some one else's getting up.
Karen, I think it's great that you are taking this "unbalanced-ness" on. I imagine it's as frustrating as all get out, but behind the frustration, it's really an opportunity too.
I'm sorrry I haven't called you back. If I'm not out late, I will try that tonight.
Peace!
R
Karen - we have all known for some time you are unbalanced!
Really, though. You are one of the most stable people I know, so it is somehow comforting to those of us who are less stable to see that you, too, get off balance.
You are going to SOAR, my friend - I have NO doubt!
It's in times like these that we hold onto the fact that "nothing in life or in death can separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord"--not feelings about death, not feeling isolated, cut-off, unbalanced or even being kicked down--not moving away, not moving home, not having your beliefs shaken, not anxiety over the next step in your life and call...God is with us through every difficulty, and as you so wisely point out, so are those of us who love you... XXOO, Julie
Thanks you all!!! Julie, I started in with the Heidleberg and got shot down in supervision. And yes Georgia, I may be unbalanced, but usually I am in control of that. That is part of the issue, CPE has me feeling like I am out of control and I am struggling. I don't feel like I am picking this up quickly and I am really having to keep hammering away, but feeling like I keep hitting a wall. Oh well. I have learned a ton and there are 2 weeks left. Love y'all
Hey - I am thinking of coming to Austin in August. Like the 17th-20th.
let me just say this about IPR...ugh.
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