I hate when classes mess with my head

And even worse than messing with my head is when they mess with my heart and with my spiritual journey. Yep, it has happened. Reading Augustine and Bernard of Clairvaux and picking the theme to look for of humility (My friend Steve joking said in class that it was a good topic for me....at least I think he was joking), has messed with me for the last few days.

I once had a friend tell me that I was the most selfless person she had ever met. I worked as a counselor for a camp where the motto was "God First, Others Second, I'm Third." Yet I read these mystic writers and I look at my life. Hove I searched my inward being for the "me" that is in the heart of God? have I let go of the external things that hold me back from loving God? Do I love my neighbors as well as God, or am I a liar? Is the face I show to the world the real me or just an act? Have I emptied myself, that I might be filled by God?

I can have no answers to the questions that plague my mind, my heart, and my soul. I feel like I am trapped in thick mud, only to be pulled in deeper as I struggle. I feel lost. I don't know which way is the way out. Right now, I don't want to struggle, I want to shut down. I want to not care about anyone or anything, I want to not be responsible. I want to be out of the lead, or at least feel like it.

Then I remember "The Hole in the Water"
Sometime, when you're feeling important!
Sometime, when your ego's in bloom;
Sometime, when you take it for granted
You're the best qualified in the room;

Sometime, when you feel that your going
Would leave an unfillable hole,
Just follow these simple instructions,
And see how it humbles your soul.

Take a bucket and fill it with water,
Put your hand in it, up to the wrist;
Pull it out, and the hole that's remaining,
Is a measure of how you'll be missed.

You may splash all you please when you enter,
You can stir up the water galore,
But stop, and you'll find in a minute
That it looks quite the same as before.

The morale in this quaint example,
Is do just the best that you can;
And be proud of yourself, but remember
There's no indispensable man.
-Anonymous

God sends no one away except those who are ful of themselves....

Dude, I think I need a bucket of water and need to pray that God does not send me away.