Still struggling

I find myself still struggling. I am restless and don't know which way to go or what to do. This is partially about losing control. I hate not being in control. I have to let go, I have to embrace silence and allow God to speak to me and work through me. The struggle continues.

One of those days

Okay, really it has been one of those weeks. I find myself not wanting to be in big groups of people or be overly social. I find myself struggling with myself. Part of it is I am being waaaay too serious and need to lighten up, not take school, life or myself quite so seriously.

In trying to keep up with reading for 6 classes when I have never read everything in a normal semester has kinda burned me out. I am fighting myself to stay focused and keep working. I am at a point of wanting to be overwhelmed and let go, but there is part of me that won't let me do it (fortuanately).

Well, back to doing some studying for a test tomorrow. For my sake, I have lots of classmates not wanting to do a whole lot right now either.

I hate phases like this.

I hate when classes mess with my head

And even worse than messing with my head is when they mess with my heart and with my spiritual journey. Yep, it has happened. Reading Augustine and Bernard of Clairvaux and picking the theme to look for of humility (My friend Steve joking said in class that it was a good topic for me....at least I think he was joking), has messed with me for the last few days.

I once had a friend tell me that I was the most selfless person she had ever met. I worked as a counselor for a camp where the motto was "God First, Others Second, I'm Third." Yet I read these mystic writers and I look at my life. Hove I searched my inward being for the "me" that is in the heart of God? have I let go of the external things that hold me back from loving God? Do I love my neighbors as well as God, or am I a liar? Is the face I show to the world the real me or just an act? Have I emptied myself, that I might be filled by God?

I can have no answers to the questions that plague my mind, my heart, and my soul. I feel like I am trapped in thick mud, only to be pulled in deeper as I struggle. I feel lost. I don't know which way is the way out. Right now, I don't want to struggle, I want to shut down. I want to not care about anyone or anything, I want to not be responsible. I want to be out of the lead, or at least feel like it.

Then I remember "The Hole in the Water"
Sometime, when you're feeling important!
Sometime, when your ego's in bloom;
Sometime, when you take it for granted
You're the best qualified in the room;

Sometime, when you feel that your going
Would leave an unfillable hole,
Just follow these simple instructions,
And see how it humbles your soul.

Take a bucket and fill it with water,
Put your hand in it, up to the wrist;
Pull it out, and the hole that's remaining,
Is a measure of how you'll be missed.

You may splash all you please when you enter,
You can stir up the water galore,
But stop, and you'll find in a minute
That it looks quite the same as before.

The morale in this quaint example,
Is do just the best that you can;
And be proud of yourself, but remember
There's no indispensable man.
-Anonymous

God sends no one away except those who are ful of themselves....

Dude, I think I need a bucket of water and need to pray that God does not send me away.

Got a Paper Back

I got a paper back from a professor a few days ago and it is causing me to rethink a little about myself. I felt really good about the paper when I turned it in, thought it hung together well and I knew I had worked hard on it. Well, so did the professor. The problem is, that I have never considered myself to be a particularly good writer. I took a chance on the paper, I did it a little differently than what the assignment was written up (talked to the prof first), but it was a paper that I felt very vested in.

I wrote it as a chapter in a book or part of a Sunday school class. I think I am more freaked out by the fact that I did what I set out to do and the professor, who I have the utmost respect and admiration for, thought it was well written. Guess I'll have to rethink my opinion of myself.

AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Went home for the weekend to celebrate 20 years of ministry of the Christian Education Director at my home church. Sandy has been one of the most influential people in my spiritual life and it was great fun to pay tribute to this wonderful servant of Christ.

Classes are in full swing and I will be lucky if I don't die this semester. Reading, reading, reading. I think my eyeballs are falling out. Better dust them off before I put them back in my head.

later.

In the Middle

in the middle of my degree
in the middle of my journey
in the middle of conflict
in the middle of friends arguing

in the middle, no closer to one side or the other
in the middle feeling like I can't get out
in the middle, not wanting to be there anymore
in the middle, not knowing which way to go
in the middle, afraid to upset the balance

I hate being in the middle

The Divine Voice

I just started a preaching/theology book called "The Divine Voice" by Stephen Webb. Not too far in but a question arose. One of the comments in the first few chapters is why do we use the same voice to proclaim the Gospel that we use for the morning announcements?

I first saw this and thought "yeah, why do we do that?" But as I have pondered it...if everything that I do and everything that I am is meant for glorifying God, then why would I use a different voice?

Still struggling with that one.

Calm before the Storm

This is the final weekend before spring classes start. January was pretty laid back and I got my paper turned in yesterday morning so most of yesterday was low key. Had a 2nd interview with Westminster Church for SPM next fall...kinda like student pastoring. Received a call later in the afternoon with an offer for the position. I think it will be a great match and will provide many opportunities for me to explore my call.

Monday begins my arrival at pure insanity! 33 hours of coursework. 5 full classes: Mission and Evangelism, Christology and Atonement Theories, Medevial Spirituality, Spirituality for Church Leaders, and the Gospel of John, plus a half class: Presbyterian Polity. Should keep me busy enough reading for the next 12 weeks. This will also be an exercise in disipline and scheduling for me. Ah, one last weekend of nothingness.