Exploring my call...

Having had several conversations with several different people lately, the subject of where I sense I am called to, what kind of church has surfaced several times. One of the conversations, I turned it around and asked the question of the person across the table from me. That was very helpful! Solo pastorate vs associate in a multi staff chruch. My friend remarked that I was the jack of all trades and master of none...yet. She is right!

I still am not sure where I am called to. Part of it will just depend on each church, but one thing I am becoming more and more convinced of, is that I am not called to be safe. I have a tendency to do things a little differently and my sense is that is to be the norm for me. To always be a little out on the edge and slightly non-traditional. Part of it is about creativity, part of it is about pushing myself to see what I am capable of. We shall see.

One more semester to go, then who knows what will happen!

Peace.

Hallelujah!!!

One more semester is finished! Now a few weeks off until I leave for Germany and Switzerland. A couple days in Austin to tie stuff up then back to Oklahoma. Merry Christmas to all!

24 hours left for the semester

A 5 page paper for pastoral counseling and a World Religions final is all that remains for the semester. In 24 hours I will be done until January. The final stretch. Almost done.

22 Christmas Questions

This responsory list is making the rounds in the blogosphere. Thanks to Chris for yet another distraction for reading week!!!

1. Egg Nog or Hot Chocolate? Hot Chocolate…especially with a little peppermint schnapps. Mmmmmmmmmm.

2. Does Santa wrap presents or just sit them under the tree? Wraps of course, otherwise there is nothing to tear into on Christmas morning!

3. Colored lights on tree/house or white? Colored on the tree. House White and some tasteful splashes of color. Just no houses decked in blue, especially the driveway. It looks like an airport.

4. Do you hang mistletoe? No. But I am certainly not opposed to it either.

5. When do you put your decorations up? Used to put them up after Thanksgiving, now I don’t decorate, cause I live in a dorm room. And the bulk of the holidays are spent at the folks house anyway.

6. What is your favorite holiday dish (excluding dessert)? Ham and Scalloped potatoes.

7. Favorite holiday memory as a child? Doing a Christmas production for the family with my cousins at Grandma’s house. Especially when we made the only boy be “Pinky” the elf one year.

8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa? What do you mean the truth about Santa?

9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve? Sometimes, but not usually.

10. How do you decorate your Christmas tree? Lights, Garland and sentimental family ornaments.

11. Snow! Love it or dread it? Having grown up in Oklahoma…snow? What’s that? Oh that white powdery stuff. Would love to see some.

12. Can you ice skate? Nope. Never been able to.

13. Do you remember your favorite gift? My 2 front teeth? Actually legos, recently.

14. What’s the most important thing about the holidays for you? Theologically I’ll agree with Chris, the Incarnation. Otherwise, fun times with family and friends, particularly my nephews Josh and Jayson.

15. What is your favorite holiday dessert? Fudge

16. What is your favorite holiday tradition? Waking up to loud, brassy Christmas carols on Christmas morning or Orchestra Sunday at First Presbyterian Church in Norman.

17. What tops your tree? An angel.

18. Which do you prefer, giving or receiving? Yes!

19. What is your favorite Christmas song? Too many to pick.

20. Candy canes: yuck or yum? Yum for a few weeks, then yuck.

21. Favorite Christmas movie? How the Grinch Stole Christmas, I love Dr. Suess.

22. What do you leave for Santa? Christmas cookies, milk and a carrot for Rudolph.

Monica, Paps, Tim, Paul….who’s next?

It can be Christmas time now...

I finally heard THE JINGLE today! It can now be Christmas. It is an Oklahoma (well central Oklahoma) tradition.

Jewelry is the gift to give, cause its the gift that will live and live
So give the gift you know can't fail from BC Clark's anniversary sale
Most sales are after Christmas, but Clark's is just before
Most everything is marked way down, savings you can't ignore,
At Oklahoma's oldest jeweler, since 1892
So give the gift you know can't fail from BC Clark's anniversary sale.

BC Clark Jingle

:)
Peace!

Happy Turkey Day!!!

Found this online....I love hand turkeys! And I like the poem. Great kid craft.


This isn't just a turkey as you can plainly see.
I made it with my hand which is a part of me.
It comes with lots of love especially to say,
I hope you have a very, Happy Thanksgiving Day!

Tribute to my Grandfather

My grandfather died 2 years ago. In reading about bereavement for pastoral counseling I started thinking about that. It made me think of the jingle, poem, whatever it is that all us grandkids learned.

Honko Tonko, Hokey Pokey
Hingery Jingery sokey mokey
Honko tonko, Hoke Poke
all in the Tonago Islands

Hey ro, Jay ro
Long come a rat trap
Penny winkle, yellow bubble
ring gum bonnie micha kime bo


I have no idea what it means. I have no idea if it is spelled correctly as we learned it by rote.
Someone taught it to my grandfather and he taught it to us.

Makes me smile though!

The 4th Wall

From Wikipedia
"The fourth wall is the imaginary invisible wall at the front of the stage in a proscenium theatre, through which the audience sees the action in the world of the play. While the origin of the term cannot be confirmed, the concept is generally presumed to have begun in the nineteenth century theatre with the advent of theatrical realism."

I was introduced to this term by Dr. Jennifer Lord. It is what allows for the suspension of reality. So what does this look like in the church? When we preach, is there a 4th wall between us and the congregation? Although you can sense if someone is preaching authentically, I wonder if we look and listen through a 4th wall that allows the preacher to be something they are not, or allows them to have more authority? A new question to ponder.

Peace.

Where does your first step take you?

This was the question I was asked as a high school junior while at Olympic Development Program soccer camp. We were working on reading and handling flighted balls into the box. My first step was forward, toward the player who had just kicked the ball. Needless to say, I got burned deep several times. That was when the question came "Where does your first step take you?"

The coach went on to explain that I needed to stay put for a count and read the flight of the ball as well as account for spin, wind, and positioning of other players both offense and defense. I struggled with this. I still wanted to attack. The coach finally stood in the goal behind me and grabbed hold of the tail of my jersey. He held it for a count after the ball was kicked, yanking on it if I stepped forward. Once I quit fighting him, he let me try it on my own. I figured out that if I stepped back, I gave myself a better read on the ball and put myself in better postion to win the ball first.

The same question has resurfaced in the seminary environment. My inclination is to take my first step forward, toward whatever issue/problem is at hand. In meeting with a spiritual director, I need to work on taking a step back or at least staying put until I can assess the situation and then respond as I need to. Only when I take the time to read the situation, can I give myself the best chance of responding appropriately. I also give myself a chance to position help where I need them and rely on others and their gifts instead of only my own.

Peace,

I love when God intervenes in life

This is an excerpt from the book "His Princess: Love Letters from Your King" by Sheri Rose Shepard. this was sent to me by an incredible young woman who was one of many that I had the priviledge of coaching in my 7 years at NHS. I haven't talked to Jordan in several years, but this excerpt greatly impacted me. Go God!

“My Princess…I have set you apart

I have called you to be set apart, just as I called those who came before you. I know this calling will sometimes come with great cost, but the eternal rewards are priceless and beyond comparison. Just as I did with Queen Esther, I have given you the ability to walk in such a way so all will see that you are divinely Mine. Some will admire you for your dedication to Me, and some will want you to fail rather than follow your lead. You may fall because you are not perfect, but your mistakes can be the tutors that make you wiser. Don’t put pressure on yourself to be perfect. I’m the only one who can perfect you, My princess. All I ask is that you let Me set you apart so that I can use you as a witness for the world to see.”

Love,
Your King who sets you apart

Thank you to my friends

To my friends who have known that something wasn't right in my world, I owe you huge thanks. For those who have checked in with me, taken time to talk, and who have simply allowed me to be unsettled and are a presence with me I can never thank you enough. That is one the most incredible pieces about APTS, you all are wonderful! Peace

The struggle of the semester...

Trapped….trapped in a little room with God
Psalm 139 echoes off the walls, or is it in my head?

“You hem me in, behind and before, and lay your hand upon me.”
I can’t run away, there is nowhere to go, you are everywhere.
My head spins as you lay your hand upon me.

Too many thoughts fill my mind,
I can’t do what you ask of me
I don’t want to do what you have asked of me
I don’t want to lead

I can’t stand this little room any longer
I don’t have the strength to keep fighting
I am tired from wrestling day in and day out
But I can’t quit,
If I could only let go
But I can’t, nor will you let me go

I read Isaiah “comfort, comfort o my people”
But I find no comfort right now
A voice cries out….
This is quoted in Luke
A voice of the one crying out in the wilderness
Is this what I am to do
Am I to be a voice crying out in the wilderness?

One in a Yellow Shirt

This sermon was preached for an elective class "Women, Voice, and Preaching" at Austin Presbyterian Theological Seminary. One of my friends who read it told me it was more effective when he read it aloud.
Mark 10:35-45

Who do they think they are anyway? Over talking to him and did you hear what they asked? They want to sit at his right and left hand, asking Jesus to give them the places of honor and power. Stinking Rabbi’s pets! Why do they think they are so special? They go up the mountain with Jesus and Peter and all of a sudden they think they are all that. Maybe they will get rebuked like Peter did the other day. What? No! How can Jesus listen to James and John? I don’t believe this!

Verse 41 tells us that the disciples began to be angry with James and John. But are the disciples angry? Or are they jealous and upset by the brothers as they attempt to gain favor? A chapter earlier all of the disciples had been arguing about who was the greatest and now James and John have all but declared their greatness by approaching Jesus. How often are we dragged into jealous anger? Think back to elementary school or middle school, there was always someone who was perceived as the “teacher’s pet.” Just as we perceive others are seeking favor with a teacher, the disciples make the same assumption. The indignation of the others becomes a turning point in the text from James and John to Jesus and his correction of all of the disciples.

James and John asked to sit on the right and left hand of Jesus, the right hand being the position of power and honor. They wanted to be recognized above the others. However, they didn’t know what they were really asking. Even when Jesus questions them, they don’t get it. Jesus asks if James and John “can drink the cup he drinks and can be baptized with the baptism he is baptized with.” They answer that they can, but they take these questions to mean they can share in the glory of the one Peter has called the Christ. They don’t understand that these are related to suffering and death . James and John are only concerned with sharing in rule and fame. This self-serving request is not hard for our culture to understand. We are a culture of “What’s in it for me?” It isn’t enough anymore to just keep up with the Jones’, now we have to run over them with our new Hummer that is the biggest and baddest thing on the road. It reminds me of the old bumper sticker “He who dies with the most toys wins.” The discourse between James and John and Jesus shows the misunderstanding of the disciples that is a continual theme throughout Mark’s gospel.

Jesus takes this misunderstanding of the brothers Zebedee and the anger of the disciples as an opportunity to further explain the nature of true discipleship. Jesus begins by pointing out the authorities and high officials of the day who lord their rule over the Gentiles, but it is not to be like that with the disciples. True discipleship is not about flaunting authority. Jesus goes on to tell them that if they want to be great, then they need to be a servant and if they want to be first they must be the slave of all. How does serving someone else or being a slave make one great?

Jesus says “The Son of Man came not to be served, but to serve.” Putting another’s desires and needs ahead of your own, regarding another as more important, where is the power in that? By worldly standards there isn’t power to be gained in serving. This point was made abundantly clear to me as I watched the movie Jesus Camp. This documentary is about the evangelical movement and in particular a summer camp for kids. The camp is a way of indoctrination. The film chronicles the journey of three kids to this camp and their subsequent travels around the nation. One of the people they meet is Ted Haggard, president of the National Association of Evangelicals and founder and senior pastor of the 14,000-member New Life Church in Colorado Springs, Colorado. He makes the comment in the movie that if the evangelicals vote, they control the polls. The movie shows a faith that is steeped in politics. Faith with a political agenda is the faith of the Pharisees and Scribes. It is the type of faith that causes Jesus to correct the disciples. So how does serving others give anyone power? In seeking to serve others, with no ulterior motives, we maintain our power. We make a choice; we use our power to lift another up, not to push ahead of them. The power that comes from serving cannot be controlled and makes those who seek worldly power uncomfortable.

We are like the disciples in Mark’s gospel, we don’t get Jesus either. The disciples have argued about who is the greatest and now James and John have asked for glory. How many Christians do you know who are Christians because it looks good to others, because it is the socially acceptable thing to do? You know, Christianity the easy way, showing up for church occasionally, trying to live a good life, being nice to people most of the time, but nothing that really pushes us. We don’t want to stand out after all. We like blending in with the crowd and being another nameless face, but is that what we are truly called to?

Dietrich Bonhoeffer speaks to this in his book The Cost of Discipleship. We like what Bonhoeffer calls “cheap grace.” It is grace that we take without ever changing. It covers our sins, but requires nothing from us. It allows us to give lip service following Christ. What Jesus calls the disciples and us to is costly grace . Grace that was purchased by his atoning death, grace that calls us to leave everything and follow, grace, that calls us to be with Jesus and requires sacrifice, grace that calls us to service of others. We, like the disciples are seeking worldly power and we don’t get the message of Jesus.

Jesus calls us to follow, and like the disciples, calls us to serve. Jesus says “For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.” So does this mean we are to give our lives to save others? This is not within our power to do. Christ has redeemed the world through his atoning death. He has paid the price. The priest has become the sacrifice and in doing so has won victory over death. This is only possible as the Incarnate Word, the Son of God. We are called to give our lives in service to others, to follow the one who calls us, the one the disciples followed, the one called Jesus.

We were assigned to read the Bible in dislocation, so I headed out one evening to Mozart’s, a local coffee shop, and a favorite haunt of mine for reading theology and staring at ducks, but not reading the Bible, at least not until that night. While waiting in line to order coffee, a man in a bright yellow and red Hawaiian shirt struck up a conversation with me. Nothing earth shattering, but he was the only one in a long line to talk to me. How often is this kind of action frowned upon in society? He picked up his order and disappeared. Then I saw him again, standing out against the crowd. He moved across the deck and up the stairs to help the next musician bring in equipment. Then he helped the musicians switch equipment, not because it was his job, he just did it.

By day, under the shining sun, students study, folks engaged lively conversations,
a boat engine roars as it zooms across the water.
By night, in the pale glow of lights, students study, people talk quietly,
a guitar sings out worship songs across the deck.

Coffee in hand, I take in the scene around me.
The smell of coffee and of fish
The sound of computer keys and of people talking ,
The sight of people hunched over computers or just relaxing.
The taste of chocolate and caramel to sweeten bitter coffee.
The feel of a wooden bench, the uneven wooden table top.

I read the Bible and look around again.
Students competing for grades, trying to be number one.
People absorbed in self
Except one
One in a yellow shirt
One who is unassuming, one who strikes up conversation with a stranger.

Pairs of people sitting together at a table
But conversing with the cell phone attached to their ear
People, trying to get ahead.
Except one
One in a yellow shirt
One who walks to greet the next musician, who offers to carry equipment

I read the text again. James and John want the positions of glory
The others have argued over it too and are upset with them.
They want to get ahead, like the rulers around them.
Except one,
One named Jesus
One who had come to serve, not to be served..

Jesus doesn’t reprimand James and John, but explains further
Glory and power are not his to grant.
The disciples are to be different from the world, they are to be like
The one,
One named Jesus
One who came to serve, and who gave his life to serve others.

James and John want to share in glory and power, and they make the others angry when they approach Jesus. Jesus takes the opportunity to explain the nature of discipleship to them again. The disciples are to be different from the world. Disciples are not to seek worldly power, but instead are to seek to serve the world. The Son of Man came not to be served, but to serve, and to give his life for the ransom of many. We are the recipients of costly grace, grace that requires us to drop everything, to put others ahead of ourselves and to seek to serve like the One, the One named Jesus.

By night, in the pale glow of lights, I take in the scene around me, I read the Bible
People seeking worldly power, like James and John
Except one, One in a yellow shirt
He seeks to serve, he reminds me of the life we are called to.
To be like the One.
The one, who served, the one who gave his life for many.

What a Monday it was

Whew....Monday is done.
Today was the day we got ord results back. I passed all 4. Yippee! Several of my friends did as well. Some of my friends didn't do as well as they had hoped. Made for an intersting day on campus.

The other big hurdle of the day was preaching my sermon for "Women, Voice, and Preaching." It went very well and I got some good feedback from my classmates. I have watched my DVD - since we have to turn in a one page self analysis - and it was okay. I liked the sermon itself, but there are many questions about effective delivery that run through my mind.

It was a good Monday.
Peace.

Have you seen Jesus Camp???

Went to see the movie Jesus Camp tonight. Found it scary, disconcerting, eye-opening, and affirming.
Scary in what is going on in the world of the uber evangelicals. Endoctrination of the young which for me amounts to manipulation for the purpose of political power.
Disconcerting in that I hear the name of God raised, but I don't see it in action. It is not about taking care of the homeless, the hungry, or the naked, but the movie is about political issues.
Eye-opening in that these are salt of the earth kinds of people who are looking for leadership and safety. When one of the leaders of the evangelical movements, Ted Haggard is talking about if the evangelicals all vote they control the polls and it is a good life.
Affirming in what I am called to and where I stand on my own beliefs. Also kinda scary in what I feel I am called to and where I stand on my own beliefs.

I think all Christians should see this film and engage in discussion about it.

Peace

FALL BREAK!!!!!

Woo Hoo! It is fall break. I am off to Louisville for a meeting for a few days, then it is time for golf, sleep, and play - probably in that order too. And a worship conference at the end of the week. Then back to mill for 6 more weeks. But at least there is a break first!!!

Peace

Too many voices

What do you do when you have too many voices running in your head that aren't yours. I have read so many books lately that I think all of the authors voices are more prominent than my own. I hate this continuous rebuilding stuff that goes on at seminary. Just as I think I have my #*$% together, I take another class (es) that shatters that idea and I have to rebuild again.

I think this has added to the round of dreams lately about getting 1's on the ords. It is my subconscious mind acting out the terror that I feel thinking about the fact that I graduate in May and that in a year I could be ordained and serving a chruch.

YIKES!!

Outta Step

I remember when I was in the Pride of Oklahoma always being warned about not missing the step off. People would notice if you were out of step or out of line. Well, that is what I am feeling like. I feel like I am out of step. I am being pulled in a variety of directions and feel like I am doing nothing but running. I feel like several engines on the plane have quit and I have called in the mayday to get landing assistance. Hopefully, some time this weekend will help re-fire the engines.

Just for David....

David, since you asked, here are a few of the notorious quotes from our beloved professor. There are many more, but here are a few.

Nothing is as new as what is old
To gather as a community we commit theology
Never neglect the use of strange funny words
There is much to recommend evangelical poverty and the best way to achieve it is the buy books.

I'll have to post some periodically.

Saved from SIlence

This is the title of a book I have been reading for Women, Voice, and Preaching this semester. It is about women finding their voice in preaching, but it speaks on other levels as well. The last chapter (if you can call it that) is called Coda and I think I have more written in the margins and underlined in the last few pages that in several parts of the book.

It starts off talking about the need for power and that in the technological age we have lost our voice. This makes me wonder how we go about maintaining power, gaining power, etc. Basically we do it by not allowing other voices to be heard. We have become a sound byte community and we talk in movie and TV clips rather than saying things for ourselves. The book contends that the church itself has lost it's voice.

Is the church about helping people find their authentic voice? HMMMMM would that be like, oh, I don't know, equipping the saints? I think the church has not only lost its voice, but has lost its very identity and its story. We ahve allowed ourselves to forget our story as it existed throughout the centuries and as it exists today.

Is the Christian story and more specifically the Presbyterian story about following Christ and living into the good news that is the saving power of Christ or is it about being the morality police? Is our story about a quest for earthly power or to live into the counter-cultural kingdom of God? Is it about looking at people and who God has made them to be, or is it about putting our own standards up first? God judges the heart, while we judge the outside of a person.

This book has raised questions within me and has helped me look at the importance of voice. How do we make sure we are not among those who oppress other voices? How do we become the voice, maybe the lone voice, speaking for those who cannot? How do we help raise their voice to get over the din of the world?

Wish I knew the answers, but then the questions would change.

Peace