Okay, really it has been one of those weeks. I find myself not wanting to be in big groups of people or be overly social. I find myself struggling with myself. Part of it is I am being waaaay too serious and need to lighten up, not take school, life or myself quite so seriously.
In trying to keep up with reading for 6 classes when I have never read everything in a normal semester has kinda burned me out. I am fighting myself to stay focused and keep working. I am at a point of wanting to be overwhelmed and let go, but there is part of me that won't let me do it (fortuanately).
Well, back to doing some studying for a test tomorrow. For my sake, I have lots of classmates not wanting to do a whole lot right now either.
I hate phases like this.
Sunday, February 26, 2006
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
I hate when classes mess with my head
And even worse than messing with my head is when they mess with my heart and with my spiritual journey. Yep, it has happened. Reading Augustine and Bernard of Clairvaux and picking the theme to look for of humility (My friend Steve joking said in class that it was a good topic for me....at least I think he was joking), has messed with me for the last few days.
I once had a friend tell me that I was the most selfless person she had ever met. I worked as a counselor for a camp where the motto was "God First, Others Second, I'm Third." Yet I read these mystic writers and I look at my life. Hove I searched my inward being for the "me" that is in the heart of God? have I let go of the external things that hold me back from loving God? Do I love my neighbors as well as God, or am I a liar? Is the face I show to the world the real me or just an act? Have I emptied myself, that I might be filled by God?
I can have no answers to the questions that plague my mind, my heart, and my soul. I feel like I am trapped in thick mud, only to be pulled in deeper as I struggle. I feel lost. I don't know which way is the way out. Right now, I don't want to struggle, I want to shut down. I want to not care about anyone or anything, I want to not be responsible. I want to be out of the lead, or at least feel like it.
Then I remember "The Hole in the Water"
Sometime, when you're feeling important!
Sometime, when your ego's in bloom;
Sometime, when you take it for granted
You're the best qualified in the room;
Sometime, when you feel that your going
Would leave an unfillable hole,
Just follow these simple instructions,
And see how it humbles your soul.
Take a bucket and fill it with water,
Put your hand in it, up to the wrist;
Pull it out, and the hole that's remaining,
Is a measure of how you'll be missed.
You may splash all you please when you enter,
You can stir up the water galore,
But stop, and you'll find in a minute
That it looks quite the same as before.
The morale in this quaint example,
Is do just the best that you can;
And be proud of yourself, but remember
There's no indispensable man.
-Anonymous
God sends no one away except those who are ful of themselves....
Dude, I think I need a bucket of water and need to pray that God does not send me away.
I once had a friend tell me that I was the most selfless person she had ever met. I worked as a counselor for a camp where the motto was "God First, Others Second, I'm Third." Yet I read these mystic writers and I look at my life. Hove I searched my inward being for the "me" that is in the heart of God? have I let go of the external things that hold me back from loving God? Do I love my neighbors as well as God, or am I a liar? Is the face I show to the world the real me or just an act? Have I emptied myself, that I might be filled by God?
I can have no answers to the questions that plague my mind, my heart, and my soul. I feel like I am trapped in thick mud, only to be pulled in deeper as I struggle. I feel lost. I don't know which way is the way out. Right now, I don't want to struggle, I want to shut down. I want to not care about anyone or anything, I want to not be responsible. I want to be out of the lead, or at least feel like it.
Then I remember "The Hole in the Water"
Sometime, when you're feeling important!
Sometime, when your ego's in bloom;
Sometime, when you take it for granted
You're the best qualified in the room;
Sometime, when you feel that your going
Would leave an unfillable hole,
Just follow these simple instructions,
And see how it humbles your soul.
Take a bucket and fill it with water,
Put your hand in it, up to the wrist;
Pull it out, and the hole that's remaining,
Is a measure of how you'll be missed.
You may splash all you please when you enter,
You can stir up the water galore,
But stop, and you'll find in a minute
That it looks quite the same as before.
The morale in this quaint example,
Is do just the best that you can;
And be proud of yourself, but remember
There's no indispensable man.
-Anonymous
God sends no one away except those who are ful of themselves....
Dude, I think I need a bucket of water and need to pray that God does not send me away.
Thursday, February 16, 2006
Got a Paper Back
I got a paper back from a professor a few days ago and it is causing me to rethink a little about myself. I felt really good about the paper when I turned it in, thought it hung together well and I knew I had worked hard on it. Well, so did the professor. The problem is, that I have never considered myself to be a particularly good writer. I took a chance on the paper, I did it a little differently than what the assignment was written up (talked to the prof first), but it was a paper that I felt very vested in.
I wrote it as a chapter in a book or part of a Sunday school class. I think I am more freaked out by the fact that I did what I set out to do and the professor, who I have the utmost respect and admiration for, thought it was well written. Guess I'll have to rethink my opinion of myself.
I wrote it as a chapter in a book or part of a Sunday school class. I think I am more freaked out by the fact that I did what I set out to do and the professor, who I have the utmost respect and admiration for, thought it was well written. Guess I'll have to rethink my opinion of myself.
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!
Went home for the weekend to celebrate 20 years of ministry of the Christian Education Director at my home church. Sandy has been one of the most influential people in my spiritual life and it was great fun to pay tribute to this wonderful servant of Christ.
Classes are in full swing and I will be lucky if I don't die this semester. Reading, reading, reading. I think my eyeballs are falling out. Better dust them off before I put them back in my head.
later.
Classes are in full swing and I will be lucky if I don't die this semester. Reading, reading, reading. I think my eyeballs are falling out. Better dust them off before I put them back in my head.
later.
Thursday, February 09, 2006
In the Middle
in the middle of my degree
in the middle of my journey
in the middle of conflict
in the middle of friends arguing
in the middle, no closer to one side or the other
in the middle feeling like I can't get out
in the middle, not wanting to be there anymore
in the middle, not knowing which way to go
in the middle, afraid to upset the balance
I hate being in the middle
in the middle of my journey
in the middle of conflict
in the middle of friends arguing
in the middle, no closer to one side or the other
in the middle feeling like I can't get out
in the middle, not wanting to be there anymore
in the middle, not knowing which way to go
in the middle, afraid to upset the balance
I hate being in the middle
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
The Divine Voice
I just started a preaching/theology book called "The Divine Voice" by Stephen Webb. Not too far in but a question arose. One of the comments in the first few chapters is why do we use the same voice to proclaim the Gospel that we use for the morning announcements?
I first saw this and thought "yeah, why do we do that?" But as I have pondered it...if everything that I do and everything that I am is meant for glorifying God, then why would I use a different voice?
Still struggling with that one.
I first saw this and thought "yeah, why do we do that?" But as I have pondered it...if everything that I do and everything that I am is meant for glorifying God, then why would I use a different voice?
Still struggling with that one.
Saturday, February 04, 2006
Calm before the Storm
This is the final weekend before spring classes start. January was pretty laid back and I got my paper turned in yesterday morning so most of yesterday was low key. Had a 2nd interview with Westminster Church for SPM next fall...kinda like student pastoring. Received a call later in the afternoon with an offer for the position. I think it will be a great match and will provide many opportunities for me to explore my call.
Monday begins my arrival at pure insanity! 33 hours of coursework. 5 full classes: Mission and Evangelism, Christology and Atonement Theories, Medevial Spirituality, Spirituality for Church Leaders, and the Gospel of John, plus a half class: Presbyterian Polity. Should keep me busy enough reading for the next 12 weeks. This will also be an exercise in disipline and scheduling for me. Ah, one last weekend of nothingness.
Monday begins my arrival at pure insanity! 33 hours of coursework. 5 full classes: Mission and Evangelism, Christology and Atonement Theories, Medevial Spirituality, Spirituality for Church Leaders, and the Gospel of John, plus a half class: Presbyterian Polity. Should keep me busy enough reading for the next 12 weeks. This will also be an exercise in disipline and scheduling for me. Ah, one last weekend of nothingness.
Monday, January 30, 2006
Thoughts of the evening
Was a part of the worship service to open mid-winter lectures at APTS, the preacher was Dr. William Carl, the president-elect of Pittsburgh Seminary. He preached on the call of Samuel through the eyes of Eli. The old man who shooed the boy back to bed assuring Samuel that he had not called. Dr. Carl talked of not hearing the Word of God for years and how in his years of preaching there were times of waiting for a Word for the Lord. He talked of Eli asking, "Does the boy not realize what is ahead" he turned that into looking at young preachers. Are we reallly ready for what lies ahead?
He then told a story of questioning a candidate on the floor of Presbytery, a former student of his. He asked the student if he remembered any of the Greek he had taught him. The student then recited the Lord's Prayer in Greek as they had learned in Dr. Carl's class. Dr. Carl talked of a feeling of joy, that he had affected one person, he had made a difference. He closed talking about Eli, as he told young Samuel to go lie down and to say the next time, "Speak Lord for your Servant is listening" that maybe old Eli thought to himself, "Speak Lord for your Servant is listening...again."
In the car I was listening to the David Crowder Band playing "Undignified"
I will dance, I will sing, to be mad for my King
Nothing Lord is hindering this passion in my soul
And I've been called even more undignified than this
Some may say it's foolishness,
But I've been called even more undignified than this
Here is to living with passion, whether it is seen as undignified or not. Here is to being able to say, "Speak Lord for your Servant is Listening." To remember the exhileration of following a call from the Lord, knowing that you are right where you need to be. Here is to being unapolegetically theological. To living into the potential that God has for me and making a difference in the world. To being the stone thrown in the pond and starting the ripples!
He then told a story of questioning a candidate on the floor of Presbytery, a former student of his. He asked the student if he remembered any of the Greek he had taught him. The student then recited the Lord's Prayer in Greek as they had learned in Dr. Carl's class. Dr. Carl talked of a feeling of joy, that he had affected one person, he had made a difference. He closed talking about Eli, as he told young Samuel to go lie down and to say the next time, "Speak Lord for your Servant is listening" that maybe old Eli thought to himself, "Speak Lord for your Servant is listening...again."
In the car I was listening to the David Crowder Band playing "Undignified"
I will dance, I will sing, to be mad for my King
Nothing Lord is hindering this passion in my soul
And I've been called even more undignified than this
Some may say it's foolishness,
But I've been called even more undignified than this
Here is to living with passion, whether it is seen as undignified or not. Here is to being able to say, "Speak Lord for your Servant is Listening." To remember the exhileration of following a call from the Lord, knowing that you are right where you need to be. Here is to being unapolegetically theological. To living into the potential that God has for me and making a difference in the world. To being the stone thrown in the pond and starting the ripples!
Sunday, January 29, 2006
I could be President...
I turned 35 on Thursday, I am now old enough to run for President of the United States, I find that rather amusing. What would happen if a still wet behind the ears 35 year old actually did run. But the bigger question is why would I want to do that. Yeah it is the most powerful position on the planet, but with great power comes great responsibility (what movie is that from?). 34 brought lots of changes and 35 promises to as well. One year older, one year hopefully wiser and more prepared for what the rest of life has to offer.
Sunday, January 22, 2006
Remember Rule #6
I have been reading a book that my dad gave me for Christmas. "The Art of Possibility" by Rosamund Stone Zander and Benjamin Zander. I haven’t finished it yet, but so far it is a great read that focuses on being able to think outside of the boxes we have created for ourselves and dealing with others in a manner that allows them to work to the fullest of their abilities as well.
My favorite chapter is entitled Rule Number 6. The whole premise is to remember Rule number 6. What is this mysterious rule and what are the other rules? There are no other rules and rule 6 is “Don’t take yourself too d*mn seriously.”
Good advice I have to say. Most of the time things aren’t nearly as serious as we would like to think they are. If we don’t take ourselves so seriously it is much easier to admit to mistakes and allow ourselves to be human and we are more forgiving of those around us.
So the new rule taped to the door of my dorm room so I see it daily is “Remember Rule #6” and I invite you to do the same.
(To my friend Ryan…you have inspired me to be more consistent in posting! You rock!)
My favorite chapter is entitled Rule Number 6. The whole premise is to remember Rule number 6. What is this mysterious rule and what are the other rules? There are no other rules and rule 6 is “Don’t take yourself too d*mn seriously.”
Good advice I have to say. Most of the time things aren’t nearly as serious as we would like to think they are. If we don’t take ourselves so seriously it is much easier to admit to mistakes and allow ourselves to be human and we are more forgiving of those around us.
So the new rule taped to the door of my dorm room so I see it daily is “Remember Rule #6” and I invite you to do the same.
(To my friend Ryan…you have inspired me to be more consistent in posting! You rock!)
Thursday, January 19, 2006
More from the Confessions class
Today was the last day of class and we have 2 weeks to get a 10-15 page paper turned in. I have found this class extremely interesting and useful. Some of my classmates feel the same and some don't. One classmate has posed questions to me about what is important about PC(USA) and reformed theology.
I agree with our professor in that the Presbyterian Church specifically and reformed theology in general are part of the unveiling of the truth of God. Our perspective is unique and we need to stand on our historical roots. I don't know as we have done a particularly good job of this in the last several decades. I think we have drifted more and more away from our theology and more toward the culture.
We have allowed culture to dictate what we do and who we are instead of being counter-cultural. The Gospel is very counter-cultural and there are points that were (and are) downright offensive. The church is not called to assimilate to the culture, but to stand apart, to be something different.
My first semester here in Austin, I had a professor that said we were not called to be safe. I have to agree. The call to Christian ministry is not one of safety, but one where we must trust that we are safely in the arms of a sovereign God. This is where I stand by the first question of the Heidelberg Catechism.
Q. What is your only comfort, in life and in death?
A. That I belong - body and soul, in life and in death - not to myself but to my faithful Savior, Jesus CHrist, who at the cost of his own blood has fully paid for all my sins and has completely freed me from the dominion of the devil; that he protects me so well that without the will of my Father in heaven not a hair can fall from my head; indeed, that everything must fit his purpose for my salvation. Therefore, by his Holy Spirit he also assures me of eternal life, and makes me WHOLEHEARTEDLY WILLING AND READY FROM NOW ON TO LIVE FOR HIM.
I agree with our professor in that the Presbyterian Church specifically and reformed theology in general are part of the unveiling of the truth of God. Our perspective is unique and we need to stand on our historical roots. I don't know as we have done a particularly good job of this in the last several decades. I think we have drifted more and more away from our theology and more toward the culture.
We have allowed culture to dictate what we do and who we are instead of being counter-cultural. The Gospel is very counter-cultural and there are points that were (and are) downright offensive. The church is not called to assimilate to the culture, but to stand apart, to be something different.
My first semester here in Austin, I had a professor that said we were not called to be safe. I have to agree. The call to Christian ministry is not one of safety, but one where we must trust that we are safely in the arms of a sovereign God. This is where I stand by the first question of the Heidelberg Catechism.
Q. What is your only comfort, in life and in death?
A. That I belong - body and soul, in life and in death - not to myself but to my faithful Savior, Jesus CHrist, who at the cost of his own blood has fully paid for all my sins and has completely freed me from the dominion of the devil; that he protects me so well that without the will of my Father in heaven not a hair can fall from my head; indeed, that everything must fit his purpose for my salvation. Therefore, by his Holy Spirit he also assures me of eternal life, and makes me WHOLEHEARTEDLY WILLING AND READY FROM NOW ON TO LIVE FOR HIM.
Sunday, January 08, 2006
Thoughts at the beginning of a new year
Well, 2006 is here and in full swing. Classes have started again and this month is about the Reformed confessions of faith. Very interesting and up to this point a great class. It is helpful to be able to trace the roots of the faith that I have grown up with and to discover the well-spring that there is to draw from.
Today Central Pres (my church in Austin) we installed new elders and deacons and it got me started thinking ove the ordination questions that are asked not only of elders and deacons, but of new pastors as well. The first are about trusting in Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior and acccepting the Scriptures as God's word, being instructed by the confessions of the faith all of which I answered as I was ordained as an elder. Another one that I answered as an elder and will be called upon to do so again really struck me today.
"Will you seek to serve the people with energy, intelligence, imagination and love?"
My favorite piece here is imagination! I have printed this out and posted it on my dorm room wall as a reminder to seek to do all I do at seminary with energy, intelligence, love and most importantly IMAGINATION!
Today Central Pres (my church in Austin) we installed new elders and deacons and it got me started thinking ove the ordination questions that are asked not only of elders and deacons, but of new pastors as well. The first are about trusting in Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior and acccepting the Scriptures as God's word, being instructed by the confessions of the faith all of which I answered as I was ordained as an elder. Another one that I answered as an elder and will be called upon to do so again really struck me today.
"Will you seek to serve the people with energy, intelligence, imagination and love?"
My favorite piece here is imagination! I have printed this out and posted it on my dorm room wall as a reminder to seek to do all I do at seminary with energy, intelligence, love and most importantly IMAGINATION!
Friday, December 09, 2005
MegaChurches Close their doors for Christmas
Just got an email from a friend and went online to check it out...Willow Creek and many WCA churches are going to be closed on Christmas. To allow people more time with family. Why not spend time as a family at church? Yes, more people show up on Christmas Eve, but hey why not do family friendly services and have the church family come together to celebrate the birth of the Christ child together through Word and song. You can't tell me that the family taking 90 minutes (including some driving time) to go to church on Christmas morning will cause the demise of the family.
I think this really speaks to the fact that faith is shallowing in America. We have been reduced to bumper sticker doctrine and are part of a largly biblically illiterate society. Won't this be fun to jump into the fray? Peace.
I think this really speaks to the fact that faith is shallowing in America. We have been reduced to bumper sticker doctrine and are part of a largly biblically illiterate society. Won't this be fun to jump into the fray? Peace.
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
Thanksgiving Break!!!!
WooHoo, headed for home! Greek paper is done and waiting to be turned in tomorrow morning before hitting the road. That leaves on paper for Church Management then 3 projects and 3 weeks to do them. The finish line for the semester is in site!!!!
Sunday, November 20, 2005
Looking ahead to Advent
Just spent the last hour talking with a classmate outside the library. We talked about Mark 13:24-37, the lectionary text for next Sunday. The first Sunday of Advent, we should be looking forward to the birth of the Christ Child, but this passage is about the 2nd coming of the Son of Man. The end speaks to being awake, keeping watch. That is what we talked at length about. The word that is used appears like 10 times in the NT and most of those are in Matthew and Mark. This text and again in the Garden of Gethsemane. It is a command to watch, to keep alert, to keep awake!
33-37 Take heed, watch; for you do not know when the time will come. It is like a man going on a journey, when he leaves home and puts his servants in charge, each with his work, and commands the doorkeeper to be on the watch. Watch therefore--for you do not know when the master of the house will come, in the evening, or at midnight, or at cockcrow, or in the morning-- lest he come suddenly and find you asleep. And what I say to you I say to all: Watch."
We are all called to do something to bring about the Kingdom, we are to be dilligent in doing that which we are called to do and to keep watch so that no matter when the master arrives we are on watch. May this upcoming advent season be about re-awakening ourselves to life in Christ. To life as one of the servants of the house, keeping to our work and waiting, anticipating the coming of the Master.
Advent is a season of watching and waiting, but not for what has already come. We remember the birth of Christ and celebrate the radical love of God, but we are to start the Christian year with renewed diligence in staying awake, working where we are called and awaiting the Master's return. Alleluia! Amen.
33-37 Take heed, watch; for you do not know when the time will come. It is like a man going on a journey, when he leaves home and puts his servants in charge, each with his work, and commands the doorkeeper to be on the watch. Watch therefore--for you do not know when the master of the house will come, in the evening, or at midnight, or at cockcrow, or in the morning-- lest he come suddenly and find you asleep. And what I say to you I say to all: Watch."
We are all called to do something to bring about the Kingdom, we are to be dilligent in doing that which we are called to do and to keep watch so that no matter when the master arrives we are on watch. May this upcoming advent season be about re-awakening ourselves to life in Christ. To life as one of the servants of the house, keeping to our work and waiting, anticipating the coming of the Master.
Advent is a season of watching and waiting, but not for what has already come. We remember the birth of Christ and celebrate the radical love of God, but we are to start the Christian year with renewed diligence in staying awake, working where we are called and awaiting the Master's return. Alleluia! Amen.
Monday, November 07, 2005
Can't believe it is November
AAHHHH! What happened to October! It can't be November already. I have too much to do and not enough time to do it. Reminds me of a piece of paper I saw on the church secretary's desk one day. "The good Lord gave me a certain amount of things to accomplish while on Earth and at this rate I won't ever die!" Back to work.
Saturday, October 22, 2005
Need a break from break
Learned a lot watching the ordination grading process and was nice to be home, but not much of a break. Helped my 8 year old nephew build a sarcophagus and got to see his 3rd grade program. Taught the 2 year old nephew to say "boing". School starts up again on Monday. More reading!
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
Almost Fall Break!!!
WOO HOO! 3 papers done, 1 I don't have to do (not taking class for full credit) and the other has been extended to Monday. Have actually read almost all 800 pages for the week. Not sure how well I read them though. It has been a rough week, everyone is tired and ready for a break. I head for Oklahoma on Friday. Weekend at home and next week I am observing the grading of ordination exams in OKC. Will be interesting to watch the process and nice to have time in a different locale although books are traveling with me.
Sunday, October 09, 2005
A week later...
It is a week after Cursillo, had Ultreya last night and got to see new friends again. The biggest joy for me was getting to play once again with the music team, I really did miss them this week. Now I have a week with 5 papers due and 3 books to read. At this moment I have started 2 of 3 books and the first paper. Last night I asked some of the people I have come to know to pray for me, not something I typically do. One ask me how she could specifically pray for me this week, the others when I asked prayed for me on the spot.
I truly feel that God has pulled me into this community of believers for a reason. I have been forced out of my comfort zone several times through this process, but each time I go on faith, I have been blessed beyond measure. It is not that your faith is ruined in seminary, but you get swept into the vortex of academics. You end up spending more time in your head and it is easy to lose the focus of why you have been called to seminary.
I believe my venture into community with Austin Presbyterian Cursillo is to help keep me grounded in why I am even in Austin in the first place. I moved here (into my wilderness) because of a call. The fine folks I have met are a reminder of what I am being called to. I am being called to love and lead God's people.
Thanks be to God for the APC community and all my new friends.
I truly feel that God has pulled me into this community of believers for a reason. I have been forced out of my comfort zone several times through this process, but each time I go on faith, I have been blessed beyond measure. It is not that your faith is ruined in seminary, but you get swept into the vortex of academics. You end up spending more time in your head and it is easy to lose the focus of why you have been called to seminary.
I believe my venture into community with Austin Presbyterian Cursillo is to help keep me grounded in why I am even in Austin in the first place. I moved here (into my wilderness) because of a call. The fine folks I have met are a reminder of what I am being called to. I am being called to love and lead God's people.
Thanks be to God for the APC community and all my new friends.
Sunday, October 02, 2005
Just got back from Cursillo...
WOW! What a weekend. Just came back from Austin Presbyterian Cursillo #20 where I had the honor of serving as a music cha (music team). I am hoarse and very tired, but it was an incredible experience! I made many wonderful new friends who I "Dove in" with. It is very cool to be embraced by a group of strangers and quickly become friends. I have been spiritually refilled and have a sense of peace with myself. I am going to bed...averaging 4-5 hours of sleep a night and going and blowing all day is very tiring and the real world comes screaming back tomorrow! Crap-diddly-ap! :)
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